to be or not to be, has never been the question

A mommy has turned into one of the hardest things I’ve ever wanted to be.

I became a varsity gymnast despite bad joints, skeptical doctors and about an eight year disadvantage. I became a graphic designer despite a serious lack of self confidence. I became a wife to an up north lovin man despite my city lovin roots + all the differences that puts between us.

We started our journey 10 months ago but it’s a journey I’ve been on my entire life. For as long as I can remember, the one thing I was sure I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom.

After I found the guy, got the degree, started a rockin’ career and said ‘I do’ my brain went all things baby. I reminded myself that we were young, we needed time to be us, a house might be nice, yatta yatta yatta… I still just wanted to be a mommy.

So, when Adam told me he was ready to be a daddy, my heart exploded with joy. We downloaded the apps, we bought the tests, we tracked cycles, we read blogs, we made doctors appointments. We were ready.

What we were not ready for, was the heartbreak.

Each month got worse with line after line after line of no’s. I started by allowing myself one full day of sadness. But one day turned into two and that turned into three and before I knew it, I was sad all the time.

Not even Adam knew the level of my sadness.

Last November my family and I went to Disney world and it was there I had my biggest break down to date.

We were nearing the end of our magical stay + had gotten my sister all dressed up to eat with the princesses. Just behind our table was the most adorable little girl and when each of the princesses stopped by to say hello, she would sing them their song.

Well, when Ariel made her stop, the little girls smile grew three sizes and after clearing her throat, at the top of her lungs she sang “I wanna be where the people are…” Before she knew it the whole restaurant was watching as Ariel sang + danced with her.

It was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen and in that moment, I completely lost it. My heart just shattered into a million tiny pieces and the sadness I had been holding inside flooded throughout my entire body.

I haven’t been able to shake the sadness since.

And when I saw a pregnant person instead of excitement, I felt resentment. When I saw a new born baby instead of joy, I felt pain. Even thinking about putting myself through another month of will we be or won’t we be sent me into tears.

This has been the biggest test of faith I’ve ever endured. And I’m not proud to say I’ve been failing. I have been watching it shrink more and more each passing month as I let my sadness take over every inch of me.

How could my God not want this for us? How could He not deem us worthy? How could He bless others with this gift, but leave us at our knees praying? When will He hear us? When will He answer our prayers?

I’m reminded tonight of a previous test of faith regarding babies. When I was three years old, I told my mommy, “My God loves me and he wants me to have a baby sister”. And that was true, he did, it just took fifteen years to meet her. 

He’s there, he’s listening. He will answer our prayers. He will raise us off our knees as we rejoice in His love over our very own gift of new life.

We will have our baby. We will have our baby. We will have our baby.

Today is a day I needed to remind myself of that.

Because even though the road to becoming a mommy has not been my easiest, I will be one.


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